Why I'm leaving for a year and a half.

"2 The light and the life of the world, a light which shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not; 3 Who so loved the world that he gave his own life, that as many as would believe might become the sons of God. Wherefore you are my son; 4 And blessed are you because you have believed; 5 And more blessed are you because you are called of me to preach my gospel-- 6 To lift up your voice as with the sound of a trump, both long and loud, and cry repentance unto a crooked and perverse generation, preparing the way for the Lord for his second coming." -Doctrine and Covenants 34:2-6


When I came across this, I knew I had finally pinpointed a reason as to why I was actually going on a mission. I'm not going to delay school or dating, or to get out of Provo, or even just to take a break from life. This most definitely is not taking a break, and I'm learning it's going to be a bigger sacrifice than I thought. I've always had such a strong desire to serve and now have fully committed myself--with no backing out now. 


Which was why I really appreciated "Who so loved the world that he gave his own life." Christ came down and dedicated his entire earthly life to the Father. 18 months really isn't a big deal. However, I didn't really think of the self-sacrifice I actually had to make when I turned in my papers. I knew I'd be leaving for awhile, but I just figured there's been hundreds of thousands of missionaries that have done it, so I would obviously have no problem. HA.


It's funny how I've subconsiously grown a lot closer to people that I now realize I will miss. As of now, I'm convinced this is my biggest sacrifice. I absolutely hate saying goodbye...I could maybe never see these people again. But it's given me a lot of comfort repeating the quote by President Hinckley in my head that I literally have to tell myself daily:


"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."


I know the next year and a half will change my life. Not only will it change my life, but it will change the life of my the man I someday will marry, our future kids, and especially the people I teach. I couldn't imagine having an opportunity present itself like this--and not jumping at the chance. Because everything in life is worth the wait if it has anything to do with the Lord's work. When these next two weeks are up, and all my "fun" is out, I'm putting my personal life in a small, little box in the back of my head. Of course I'll get homesick, but plowing through is my only option, with my head being completely immersed in missionary work. 


Bring it on.

C.S. Lewis.

I recently took a trip to Barnes & Noble. I purchased "The Quotable Lewis," obviously by C.S. Lewis. It is a super-thick book complied of the best quotes from Lewis' works. Here are a few quotes I read while sitting on the beach this morning that have been on my mind all day.

Mere Christanity, bk. III, chap. 6, para. 9, p. 99:
"Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be "in love" with someone else. "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."


What true love is all about. One of my goals in marriage is to continually remind each other how we fell in love, and not only keep up the same feeling, but constantly make that love continue to grow.


The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, chap. 8, pp. 74-76:
    "Who is Aslan?" asked Susan. 
    "Aslan?" said Mr. Beaver, "Why don't you know? He's the king...It is he, not you, that will save Mr. Tumnus..." 
    "Is--he a man?" asked Lucy.
    "Aslan is a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly.
    "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-The-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion--the lion, the great Lion."
    "Ooh!" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
    "That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
    "Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
    "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
    "I'm longing to see him," said Peter, "even if I do feel frightened when it comes to the point."


Aslan is symbolic of Christ. Read it again--and think of Him.


The Four Loves, chap. 3, para. 43-46, pp. 80-83:
"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our natural lives. Affection produces happiness if--and only if--there is common sense and give and take and 'decency.' In other words, only if something more, and other, than affection is added. The mere feeling is not enough..."


I never realized how big the "give and take" is in a relationship or a friendship. Amazing how much more happy you are being with that person if you're equally giving, and sometimes most importantly accepting.


Huge round of applause to C.S. Lewis for being the greatest Christian philosopher of the twentieth century.

Fast cars and freedom.

The first week of summer is always an adventure. 

Especially if they're girls' trips to Southern California.

To start off the week...I spent two straight hours in a dressing room. This store is amazing for the future sister missionary needing major fashion help and decent prices. My mom kept bringing me clothes by the pile to try on. Let's just say that I've got everything to wear for the next 18 months! 

And...going out to dinner is always a plus.

Day 2:

Getting a farmers' tan while seeing giraffes, lions and tigers was pretty cool...minus the farmers' tan. More like a farmers' sunburn. So many cool little animals and birds and small Chinese trees! 

After our legs almost gave out, we headed to Old Town! In Reb's own words, "Oh look! It's like Nauvoo for Mexicans!" 

The last stop of the day...the beautiful San Diego temple. This was my second time going through, and my first time doing an endowment session for a deceased woman. It really is a house of learning--and I have SO much learning to do!

I've got 3 weeks left of being a normal person...I don't know what to think! I'm so excited I could just leave right now, but 18 months is a long time to miss people. I need to pack these weeks full of hang-outs and goodbyes...I hate goodbyes. But that just leaves room for more hellos.

Anyway, tomorrow we'll finally hit the beach and relax all day with my new book of quotes from C.S. Lewis.


Favorite song of the week: God Gave Me You by Blake Shelton


"God gave me you for the ups and downs, God gave me you for the days of doubt. 
And for when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it's true, God gave me you."

Long gone and moved on.

...from Provo that is. I officially moved back home! I love being at BYU--I'll miss my job and my friends, but 3 years in The Bubble can definitely take a toll. 

My best friend Spence came to help me...so we decided to make a really fun day out of it. 

First, we went to go visit my other best friend Brooke on her graduation day. She's all grown up and gone from college! Now she's off to Wales for a bit for a study abroad...I mean play abroad...so jealous. Love this girl. Congrats!

 Then we had to take a field trip to the library for his first time EVER at the HBLL. So proud. (I guess that was one more time on campus. Oh well.)

Then it was my turn for firsts...IKEA! He had a brilliant idea to hang out for a bit in this magnificent place. We discovered couches, showed me his favorite lamp shades (real estate people...) and only ended up buying a cereal container. However, it was worth just soaking up the experience. 

After those escapades, and yes while all of my belongings are still in the car, we crashed a wedding and went to an art exhibit in downtown Salt Lake. I'd say it was a very successful day...and it even was dark enough when we got home to try out my new Star Walk app! I felt like Aristotle checking out Saturn, Mars, Venus, and even the ISS! Best $2.99 I've ever spent. 

Fantastic weekend. Now, off to California bright and early. Yeah, I should be sleeping. But I can't. Because the beach is waiting!

p.s. 24 days.

Thought.

You know that feeling when something cool happens to you? 
And the first person you want to tell is your best friend? And they get way more excited than you ever did to begin with? 

I love that.

Until next time.

First day at Brigham Young. August '09

So long, Provo.  (Long as in two years.) I just walked off campus for the last time in two full years. It's pretty weird...since I've spent every week there since freshman year. I'll go on my mission, then after next year's Christmas I'm off to D.C. for a few months. Then...back to Provo. I really don't know how I'm going to come back here and feel like I'm moving on with my life, but we'll figure it out. 


I have a couple Poli Sci papers to finish up, and I'm FREE! My Living Prophets test was a beast today--I'm really glad it's over. Tomorrow I'm back home, and Friday is the official moving day. Everything is going so fast. The next thing I know I'll be teaching the Gospel all day, every day. 


I wish I could just stop my life sometimes. Everything is simply amazing. How often can you say you're in college one month, on a mission the next, and 18 months later living on the East Coast? Most of my friends haven't started their families yet, and I have the luxury of seeing them whenever I want. I still have the great mystery of falling in love with "the one," and I'm now at the age where I can go anywhere, do anything, and not be tied down. 


Oh, and I've got a trip to California with my mom, sisters, and my best friend next week. Again, I wish I could just stop my life sometimes.

Favorite song of the week: Chances by Five for Fighting

"Chances are when said and done, who'll be the lucky one to make it all the way? Lay your money on the sun, until you crash what have you done? Is there a better bet than love? What you are is what you breathe, you gotta cry before you sing."

Real women watch...ESPN.

I'll never understand how some women don't appreciate sports. How can anyone not get into it? Maybe it was just the environment I was raised in, but if you tell me you don't appreciate any sort of athletic activity, I'll just assume you grew up in an ice cave in the middle of Antarctica. Have you never seen the World Cup? Or the Kentucky Derby? 

Some weekends when I am home, I just have ESPN on all day while I'm doing homework or cleaning, and my mom jokes that whoever I marry better want to watch the game and cuddle rather than going to dinner and a movie. I don't think I could plan a better date than that. I think one of the requirements of my future husband will be a scale ranking from 1-10 on how much he enjoys playing at least SOMETHING. If it's a 5 or under, it's a no-go. We're shooting for an 8.5-15.


First, it's the only thing on television that isn't sex, drugs or war. 


Second, it's pure competition. Of course, I'd rather be in the game than watching it, but it's just as exciting to watch amazingly athletic humans in their element. Basketball, specifically. I think because I know the game inside and out it's a lot more interesting, and I can see where they can go, where they can shoot, plays to make--I even had a dream last night that I walked on to the basketball team and started. Great dream. Then I woke up.


Football is even better because there are SO many things to know and understand. (At least for me.) Whenever I go to a game with someone who knows it a lot better than I do, I find myself asking too many questions and probably annoying them. But I figure guys want to impress girls about their knowledge, right? It's a win-win situation.


Maybe that's it. Maybe girls just don't know enough about the logistics to really appreciate them. So men, if you want your girl to watch the game with you, just try explaining it to her. She'll want to figure it out, and then you will get her to watch it intently with you. Who knows, she'll probably become a bigger Broncos fan than you.


One of the first questions I asked some sisters in my mission was if there were already basketball/volleyball games going on. Yes? Yes. Phew. I can leave now.

Courage.

That seven letter word that can make you do anything. It's not just giving a speech in public, attempting to study for a test you know you're going to fail, or flying in an airplane by yourself for the first time. That's all courage, but that's not what I'm talking about.


The last couple years, I've noticed both my mom's and grandma's personality coming out in me..that I'm not afraid to say anything. It used to embarrass me when we'd get the check at a restaurant and my mom would tell the waiter that he didn't ring it up right...when it only saved a few dollars. Both of them are the kind of people that would call "1-800-Hows-My-Driving," but they also would take the time to e-mail the manager at Taco Bell to let them know their employee gave them their taco on time. It didn't start in me all of the sudden, just little things I noticed. Stuff important for people to know, that nobody else would bring up. Then I realized, what do I have to lose? I started caring less about what people think about me...because it's me. I'm not going to change for anyone, just because they might think it's embarrassing.


Why don't people just say something? I'll never understand. You have the power to fix any problem, any relationship, AND the power to create something...if you just say something. SAY SOMETHING! With courage comes confidence. You'll find yourself more and more confident when you've made a difference. Trust me, it works. Consider it a challenge.


When I think people are doing a great job, I tell them. If I were on the other end it would be a day-maker! Especially if I worked at Taco Bell. (Not that working Taco Bell is bad...I heard fast food can be quite enjoyable.)


When I have a problem with something, I make it aware and try to fix it. I don't do it very often, because nothing really bothers me. There are too many things to think about to dwell on just one thing. But if something does, I'll do the best that I can to make it understood and right. Then if it can't be fixed--whatever. At least I did my best. 


When I love someone, I tell them. Wouldn't you? Having just an ounce of courage could make someone's week.

via: Pinterest

Lucky...pt 2.

And last but definitely not least:

How did I get so lucky to get these guys as my best friends? These people are amazing. 

Now for the picture-tribute to each of them. 

Rebecca. My long lost twin. I could not have more in common with one person.
(Sorry future husband.)

Brooke. Soul sisters. Same job, same mind. Same everything!

Melissa. My best friend from the dawn of time. (2nd grade=dawn of time.)

Laura. That one time we starred in HSM together. Did I just admit that? Haven't been separated since. Even with her marriage to the lovely Brian Messer. Who also should be in the tribute but there is no picture to display.

Spence...where do I even start? This picture embodies our friendship. Couldn't make it through life without this guy.

Lige. Couldn't have made it through high school and college without this one. Possibly the most fun person to write letters to. And the one with the biggest heart.

JORDAN. My long lost brother. Best friends since the 9th grade. Currently serving in Chile...we'll miss each other by 2 months. I thought about postponing just to see him. (True story.)

Samuel. Best friends since the 9th grade. My long lost brother/future husband/except he's distantly related to me so that would never work. (Sadly.) I also miss him by 3 months. (Sadly.)

What a group! Couldn't have hand-picked them better myself. You guys are awesome.

Lucky.

I wonder. I really really wonder sometimes.


How did I get so lucky to have the best parents in the world? Yes, this is a shout-out to you, mom and dad...you can thank me later when you blog-stalk me when I'm in the MTC. I'll brag about them for a bit. My dad is always right (well, most of the time) and my mom is super smart. My dad is respected by everyone he meets, and my mom can get anyone to listen to her, believe her, and follow her. Every time I get to be the tag-a-long, I beam with pride.

How did I get so lucky to land this job and work with the greatest people ever? Yes, I did just work 20 hours since yesterday morning, but I wasn't bored one second. I l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y. have the best [student] job in the world.

How did I get so lucky to live with my cousins in college? Living with people you're best friends with and comfortable with is HUGE in having a great college experience. I'm going to miss it. But we've already got the lady RM club set up when I get back!

How did I get so lucky to have the opportunity to serve a mission? I didn't think I'd have the time or ability...but it has presented itself perfectly. I also have to throw in how beyond ecstatic/excited/joyful/beaming/overjoyed/tickled pink I am to serve in Upstate New York. All I cared about was that my will was the Lord's on the location of my call, and that I would get to talk to as many people as possible with the time I have been given. Hill Cumorah pageant anyone? 4,000+ people a day?! And I get to serve at two of them? I just cry every time I think about the magnitude of this. I'll control myself.

I'm obviously paying attention in class.

How did I get so lucky to have the best siblings in the world? All gorgeous, smart, and funny. And Jake will be taller than me when I get back! Poor girl that has to marry him...she's going to have a hard time getting through his big sisters. Even though we used to hate each other, we're all best friends. Except when dad comes and thinks he's the state champion in wrestling again. Then it gets ugly.

How did I get so lucky to be born a member of the Church? Who knows what would have happened if I would have been taught by the missionaries. Or never had the chance in my life at all? I sure hope I would have grasped on. Well, I don't have to dwell on it, because I am a member, and I'm so happy.

How did I get so lucky to have the Lord trust me so much? ...sometimes I feel like He trusts me a little bit too much. Like I said. 4,000+ people a day? Well, if He called me there, He thinks I can do it. And I know we can do it. It's a team effort--me and Him.


See, I told you all my posts would be churchy from now on. 

A much needed day.

I've got sooo much to do. But I needed to take a little break. I don't even want to think about tomorrow..I'm working a little over 14 hours. Plus papers and projects and trying to take a test...my main goal right now is just to get a decent grade in my classes. Let's be honest, I'll be happy with a passing grade.


Easter Sunday was great. We had a bunch of family over, and I ate close to a pound of chocolate. Usually someone would be exaggerating when they make this kind of a statement...nope. I feel so disgusting. But focusing on Christ's Resurrection was wonderful, and very good to reflect on. I've been obsessed with everything Church History related that I almost forgot that our beliefs really began in the Old and New Testaments. 


In the Bible, there are so many life lessons we can apply. Every parable from the Four Gospels, every account of Christ  serving the people...they are just as important as the Book of Mormon. Especially the great and last sacrifice He made for us on the cross. Like Elder Holland said this last General Conference, there is no sin so great that couldn't be covered by the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He suffered every last one, and there is always a chance to come back to Him.


I love this Church so much. Once I made the decision to serve a mission, nothing else really seems extremely important in my life. He doesn't care if I produce True Blue tomorrow by 4 or 6 o'clock, or even how much I procrastinate my political science paper. Every belief that we have as members of the Church is what's important. If I'm following Him to the best of my ability, nothing else seems to matter. 


I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Him to lean on. Especially heading into tomorrow...wish me luck!

Key to my heart.

There's this one thing. If any guy can do this, he's in...and we can negotiate the rest. Obviously there are some other  important doors that must be unlocked...however. This is the very first requirement before he wears that tux on our wedding day. (That he will look so very handsome in.) 

If I'm not laughing [hard] every day of my marriage, it won't be successful. Not just because he'll be witty and hysterical, but because he'll see the good in life and make the best out of everything. Life is meant to be funny--I won't settle for anything less.

New York state of mind.

Sometimes I think to myself...Holy cow! I'm going on a mission! When did I get that old? It's nuts to think that I am at the age to not only be a missionary, but to be a sister missionary. (Not that we're old...I just still feel like I'm in high school.) It's awesome to "forget" when I get caught up in work and school, and have it hit me that I actually have a mission call and I'm leaving in a few short weeks. Forget finals week...that's already out the window. 


I've googled even MORE stuff about Western New York...so much that it's probably already a top-hit. I'm so in love with it, and I know when I come home I'll always have a desire to be there. But I don't even want to talk about coming home. Because that is sad. And I know I'll never want to come home. My secret plan (that now obviously isn't so secret) is to take my husband back there, show him around the Church History sites, visit members that I taught, and watch the Hill Cumorah pageant! 


Sometimes I get worried about being away for that long and keeping the personality needed of a Sister Missionary. I'm even scared that the MTC will feel like a jail...a very happy jail that is! But there are over a thousand missionaries in a tiny little campus, not allowed to leave, sitting in brick classrooms all day. We'll see how it goes. People have told me the MTC is one of the greatest experiences. I am really excited to get spiritually fed...buffet style.


In reading other Sisters' blogs that are currently in my mission, I'm amazed at their spirituality. They know so much. I only hope to get to that point through lots and lots of study and prayer. Every single one of them has an amazing personality that draws other people in. And since I can already tell from just their writing...I have a lot to live up to. But I'm ready to take the challenge. One Sister mentioned that she quickly realized she has the physical ability to do anything that the Lord needed her to do--because she is in His hands. If He asks, He'll make a way. I even got an e-mail from her today! 


Sister Hawkes,
You just got called to the BEST mission in the world! You're going to love it here! ...As far as advice goes, I think the only thing I wish I would have known before I got here, is that the sisters dress so NORMAL! (phew.) Everyone dresses just like any girl would dress to church. Other than that...I feel like I could tell you a million things. But you'd probably be better off learning them as you go...you can ask us anything you need. We can't wait to meet you!
Sister Barrus :)


What helps a lot is knowing I have a ton of friends that have been on missions and friends that are going on missions. The boys that are home have helped so much in letting me know what to expect and letting me bug them about mission stories. And the girls...we are just all getting our calls now! It's so comforting knowing I have friends that literally dot the earth...and that we're all excited about it. 

Best friends called to The Philippines and New York.
We'll be exactly 12 hours apart, which means between just the
two of us, we'll be serving the Lord 24/7 for our whole missions. 

I'm afraid from now on, this blog will be filled with mission stuff. But, it is all I think about. So whoever reads this, sorry...you'll get sick of me fast. Today is even the 182nd anniversary of the organization of the Church that took place right in my mission...Fayette, NY! 


As for the events of the week, it's been pretty crazy. Lots of work, lots of school, and Reb's 21st birthday! We surprised her after her Noteworthy concert and took her to her apartment where 30+ people squished in there somehow. It was a success. 


Also...THREE MORE DAYS OF CLASS! 

I'm going to miss it here...

My job rocks. I think I say that every other post. But seriously. Everyone in the office is hilarious, but we all work hard when it comes down to it. For example: Friday we had an hour long Spring Football special that I produced. We needed everyone to give 100% to even get the show someone decent, and everybody gave 150%. The show went fantastic, and I still had time to play catch with our hosts after the shoot. 


All I'm hoping for is job security when I get back...because I wouldn't trade this job for the world! (Even though sometimes the work-load can be quite hectic...) I love it at BYUtv. We are the only university in the world with an international channel and a "mini-ESPN" broadcast building. The students are the ones that basically run everything, with direction from the full-timers. Any student even remotely interested in broadcasting should apply for this job. I mean it's hired play. I mean it's a job. 

The truck on our Friday shoot, just right outside the SAB. I spent all day in Big Blue.

The set on our Friday shoot! Hour long Spring Football special on the Outdoor Practice Field.

This was yesterday at the Football poster photo shoot. (I love my job.)

I'm seriously going to miss these guys. I don't think I there has been a day at work where I haven't laughed my guts out. One of our amazing editors, Sam Featherstone, but together this little video of our infamous intern, Jeff Morain. This is what I go through...every day...with this boy. I even make a cameo!

                               

I love my job. 

45 days.

One more transfer. a.k.a. 6 weeks. And I'm finally out in the field. That's all I've been thinking about. I seriously, honestly, truly believe that my mission is the best mission in the world. Yes, I'm completely biased and I'm proud of it. But it's true. I've googled out the terms "New York Rochester," "Hill Cumorah Pageant," and "New York Sister Missionaries." 

So yeah...I'm going to be one of those missionaries. I've even started my mission blog that my sister will post my letters on. For the next 6 weeks, I'm going to post thoughts and things I learn about the great state of New York. Feel free to read...although it won't be terribly exciting until I get on my actual mission.

sistermonicahawkes.wordpress.com

In other words, General Conference was amazing. Brooke and I went to both sessions Saturday, and watched the Sunday session at home. It was a great girls' weekend. She and I have grown to become great friends--I'm going to miss her when she goes to Wales on study abroad! Oh wait, I'm leaving too. I guess I can't complain.