Peaceful.

If you know me, I love three things: my husband, my religion, and writing. So, since I've written plenty about my husband, you know where this is going. Now, I do have a lot of friends that don't know too much about my religion (or you do--because I've talked your ear off about it.) So why would a 24-year-old girl care so much about going to church on Sunday? 

So...the whole religion thing. Why would anyone want to believe in something, when you have to do more things when you belong to a church? There's got to be a reason to all of this crazy madness. 

Well, let me ask you a question. What do you think gives you peace? Now, really think about it. 

When was the last time you were peaceful? 

You're probably at work or watching TV reading this, but I want you to imagine you sitting right here on this bench, and asking yourself that question. Give yourself a minute.

My guess is that it has something to do with your family, your kids, or knowing that you are loved. Right?

Right. This is why I do all of this stuff for church. This is why I talk about it so much. I know my Father up in Heaven loves me. We are his literal DNA. We have some piece of Him that is in us, and it's up to us to figure out what that is. Once we do, we will work tirelessly for Him. Obviously, I still get tired--so I have a long way to go! But He loves you and I more than we can imagine. 

How far would you go to get peace? You guys--I'm talking constant peace. Not just when you go to church, or you're with your family. I have peace all the time. Even when things feel like they should be going wrong. This is why I'm so crazy about this.

It's not a secret anymore. The same church that Jesus Christ set-up when He was here on the earth, is now back on the earth. The SAME one, you guys! If you know Christ even a little bit, you know He is organized. If He is so organized, why would he have 55,538,021 (okay, made up number) churches that go back to Him? Yep, you're right, that doesn't make sense. It took one boy, Joseph Smith, to ask a simple question that's been in the Bible all along.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not...and it shall be given him." -James 1:5

Joseph asked God a question in the same place as the above picture: The Sacred Grove. What he saw after he prayed was miraculous. He had begun the journey, and had started the ties from the past prophets, Peter, James, John, Moses, Adam...to now. Why do you think the Lord wanted it to be called, "The Church of Jesus Christ...of LATTER-DAY Saints?" 

Alright, I realize I'm starting to get on a soapbox, here. But do you get my point? Life is really good. And it's all because of Him. 24/7...it's good.

This post has been inspired by re-reading my old mission e-mails. I put them all on a blog so my family back home could read it, and mostly so I could put it all in one place. If you feel so inclined to read any of it, visit: www.sistermonicahawkes.wordpress.com.

We do not doubt.

Who knows if I've posted this before...I don't think it really matters. It's just like reading the scriptures, different things jump out at you at different points in your life, and I guess that's just what happened to me today. 

In the last part of Alma 56, Helaman is talking to his brother, Moroni. Now, to put it in context just a bit, there are a million things that Helaman could have said. There was a huge war going on against the Lamanites, and if I were him, I'd probably tell him my war strategies, maybe something funny that happened...I don't know! But look at what he immediately tells him:

"And now I say unto you, my beloved brother Moroni, that never had I seen so great courage, may, not amongst all the Nephites." (v. 45)

He is referring to these two thousand little boys that are in his army. Okay, the only people that make up his army. He calls them "young" men throughout the chapter, and I really start to think of what he means by "young." Remember back then how it was normal for girls to have babies at age 14? And how you became a real person at age 12? I might be exaggerating, but probably not by much. Helaman keeps on commenting how extremely young these men are, and I figure that he would lightly dust over the topic if they were of a mature enough age. Apparently they weren't. Here's just one example:

"For as I had ever called them my sons (for they were all of them very young)... 

And check this out, this is what they were thinking while in the middle of the war...no wonder God told us to be like little children:

"...even so they said unto me: Father, behold our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth..." (v. 46)

Wow. All of them said that? Well, look at what else Helaman has to say about them. And another thing to remember...he really wants us to know this because he is not just typing this all out on a Word document, he is etching into brass/copper/gold with a hammer all of these letters one by one. You think they're important? Yeah. Anyway, check this out:

"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death..." Whaatttt?! "...and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea..." and this is my favorite part, "they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it."

The moral of the story is not that we should travel back in time and be like the two-thousand stripling warriors, it is that we still have time left to be those mothers and fathers they are talking about. Obviously, I think about this subject a lot! I am so excited to have my own family. I want to teach them principles like these from the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I want to give them life experiences that will help them grow farther than they ever thought possible, just like these very young strippling warriors. I know it will be challenging, and I'll won't be able to take one day off.

But from what I hear, it's worth it.

God bless the broken road.

via: imforevergrateful.tumbler

Have you ever had those moments (or longer than moments) when you thought a ship was sailed? Or when you feel stupid that you asked for certain things that you thought were the best? Well, since God is...a god...He kinda has some idea on how He could make things better. All He needs to do that is your patience, your patience, and...you guessed it, your patience. 

I want to point out two scriptures that illustrate my point perfectly:

25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. (Romans 8:25-26)

14 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. (D&C 6:14)

I just can never comprehend the massiveness of possibilities The Lord has in store for us. And no, I am not talking about earthly achievements. I'm talking about pure happiness...and the state of mind that comes with that. A lot of people think my happiness as being Monica comes from serving in the best mission in the world (true), working in Washington, D.C., being in Young Ambassadors, or whatever. All this stuff I've been doing lately sets me up for failure, stress, and looking totally stupid. Let's be honest, it does already. I have no idea what I'm doing! Although it is all labeled, "fun," I had to work WAY harder than I ever thought I needed to in the first place...and that's where this happiness I have comes from. It's from failing, millions of times, and then something finally sticking. It's going after everything I possibly could, and getting only about 5% of what I work for. But that small amount from the other 95% I thought was better, is what was "the best" for me. I took an insane amount of detours, but how does that song go? God bless the broken road.

Just because it isn't happening RIGHT NOW, doesn't mean it will never happen. Believe me, He is running marathons for you up there. Take some time to believe it.

What if?

What if there is no God? 

What if there was no reason to wake up tomorrow and go to work, what if there was no reason to work to earn money to support your family, what if there was no reason to support a family to raise them to believe in a higher power--really--what if there was no, dare I say it again, God?

Its not a question that most Utahns ask themselves. A lot of us think, "Well, what would I do with my social life on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday morning and Sunday?" "What would I teach my children, and how do I give them excitement for what lies ahead?" It's too much to think about...so some are stuck going through the motions. 

C.S. Lewis is one of my most favorite quotable authors. He has one of the best arguments about Atheism...and I'll just paraphrase for now. He explains that Atheism turns out to be too simple...for if there was no such thing, wouldn't have we already found out there was nothing to believe in the first place? My personal, Monican belief about men and women who claim to be "atheist," (because there is no such thing anyway--think about it) is they haven't yet invested the time to ponder on what's around them. And let me throw it back to this: if you are just going through the motions as a Member of the Church, is it any different than as if you were an atheist?

There is no way that God would put us on earth to be robots. We would be boring, and not to mention, so not attractive. We wouldn't even be here in the first place if that was the case. We have to put in the time to believe in God to make this a worthwhile experience. It's also not a one-time event where we get a gold star on our foreheads that says, "Hey, everyone, just so you know, I believe in God," and call it good. It is a daily occurrence, and when you think you're not making any progress...is when you're making the most. 

Lewis sums my whole thesis statement with this:

"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan's to lead it. I'm going to live like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

I haven't seen God as a Mortal. I haven't heard His voice, and I definitely haven't seen His finger touch any stones, but...oh boy, do I know that He is real. He is more real than reality itself.

I know that because of one question I ask myself daily: What if there is a God?"

A little extra help.

“Perhaps if we would do our work in behalf of those of the unseen world who hunger and pray for the work we can do for them, the unseen world would in return give us help in this day of our urgent need. There are more in that other world than there are here. There is more power and strength there than we have here upon this earth." -John A. Widtsoe

I got to the temple this weekend with some friends, and just sit and reflect on how the Atonement doesn't just help those who are sad--because what about the times you're not sad? It would be...sad...if that's how you were all the time. Jesus Christ helps those who are happy. It's the same idea as only praying when you need something. 

"Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare..." -Alma 34:27

Just make sure you tell Him what's going on, so He gets just as excited as you do about the things going on in your life.

Peace with the unknown.

As most people do, I was listening in church. Even if you catch a fourth of Sacrament meeting, you're golden. Thankfully, this phrase was one of those things I caught:

"Be at peace with the unknown."

So it's probably a heck of a lot easier to just say that, but to actually do it? That's a different story. It's called the eternal perspective. My poor companions have heard me talk about this, but it really is the thing that saves my life. It's something I've been experimenting with since I was little kid. It all started with my dad. He is easily the most loving father on the face of the earth, and through just being who he is, he taught me how Heavenly Father works: as long as you work as hard as you can, no matter how cute you are, no matter how much money you have...you'll always have enough. So, "become as a little child, meek, submissive, full of love," and it's OK to not know what you're going to do tomorrow, next year, or even in the next five years. If you work, and the key word is IF, you'll always have your hands full...

"Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side...all safe and blessed, we shall meet at last." -Be Still, My Soul

Eyewitness.

When Emma Smith felt the engravings on the plates of the ancient writings of the Book of Mormon through a thin cloth, she received a witness. When Lucy Mack Smith examined the Urim and Thummim through the same transparent thin cloth, she received the same witness. But when Mary Whitmer was shown the actual gold plates by Moroni himself, that's when she put all of her faith aside and had pure knowledge of The Work.

I put myself on this list this week.

On Monday, a few of us had the opportunity to walk over to the Library of Congress on our lunch break and see the original copy of the Book of Mormon. I knew it would be cool, but I didn't know how much of an impact it would have on me. As we walked into the "Rare Book Reading Room," it was a much smaller room than I thought. The two big double doors also made me want to make my own sort of entrance, but I refrained.

We had to fill out some paperwork and show our Staff ID's in order to even talk to the guys. After asking for the Book, the man asked if we were Mormon. He then brought out a couple more books he thought we'd be interested. OH YEAH.

The librarian set them down in front of us: the copy of the (March 26, 1830, E.B. Grandin, Palmyra, one-i've-been-talking-about-the-last-18-months) Book of Mormon, an original copy of the Book of Commandments, and the Book of Mormon translated in the language of Deseret.

Printed at E.B. Grandin's Bookstore in Palmyra, NY

Inside of the Book of Mormon

Moroni's Promise (Moroni 10:4-5)

The Book of Commandments. This happens to be a portion of what is now
Doctrine and Covenants 6...the chapter that led me through my mission.

Book of Mormon in the language of Deseret.
(I'm really glad I don't have to speak this language.)

I freaked out way more than I thought I would. They didn't even have us wear cloth gloves, because turns out, it would ruin the book more over time. I went through the whole process of how the book was made in my head, and everything matched up. Everything that I've ever learned about the Book of Mormon...matched up with this copy.

But what came right down to it, surprisingly, was just seeing the signature of Martin Harris on the very last page. Thinking about the things that he went through, even through his own wife and the destruction of his crops, to testify of how true this Book is.

The cool thing about this signature, and probably not what a lot of people would ever pick up on, was that on the two pages behind it, there were marks where the signature bled through. That's when I thought, "this is real." Like I said, everything matched up, all of the facts that I've ever learned and read about...they're all true. I knew I had received something way more than any other member of the Church gets to see.

And just one more cool thing:

I may have had Joseph's DNA on me. WOW.

Uniform.

I made it! I had quite an eventful journey. 

While sitting on the runway in Salt Lake City waiting for the plane to de-ice, (and for most of the flight) I read all of the published accounts of the First Vision. I kept thinking, "How do all these people on here not know about this?" My second thought was, "I wonder how many missionaries are trying to get a hold of someone here." As I kept reading, I pondered a lot over the fact that Joseph had to actually make a conscious decision to choose light over darkness, and that many people don't realize it's a choice. That definitely made my first leg of the trip a lot quicker.

In Dallas, I only had a few minutes to get to my connecting flight, so I grabbed some lunch and sat down next to a girl my age. We had a fantastic conversation about her religion called, "The Brethren." (Well, for short. I can't remember the whole name.) I was so curious as to--first of all--her wardrobe, what their baptism consisted of, their living arrangements, etc. Her name was Hannah, and I could tell was ready for a reaction from me when she said there were seven kids in her family. I just laughed and said, "My dad is the youngest of ten!" That's when she felt more comfortable to answer more questions that I was shooting at her. After Hannah answered all of mine, she started to ask the same questions back. We discussed the devoted lifestyle we had in common, and was especially impressed when she told me that she is proud to be seen in the dress and bonnet she made herself. "You know how the military wears a uniform," she said, "That's how I feel about it. No one questions what I believe when they look at me."

How cool is she? And why don't we all think like that? So many of us try to hide our real identity in order to "fit in." But for those of you who understand anything about the Church, you know we were not made to "fit in." We we're put here to stand out and build the Kingdom.

One of my favorite scriptures in the Doctrine and Covenants that I always have running through my mind in a time like that is, "But verily I say unto you, that it is not needful for this whole company of mine elders to be moving swiftly upon the waters, whilst the inhabitants on either side are perishing in unbelief." (D&C 61:3) What good does it do to serve a mission, come home, and never speak about the gospel in public again? If you feel weird about it, maybe you should see if you actually believe it yourself. Please don't use any soap boxes, because that would be strange. But why can't you just ask questions? Remember: "Enthusiasm overcomes all obstacles."

Anyway, I'm here in my cute little house in Virginia, about ready to give myself a tour of the city. And after church tomorrow--dinner at the mission home followed by a night at the Visitors' Center. I'M BACK! But this time, with my own uniform on.

Top Ten Moments of 2013.

It's mostly from the mission. Okay, it's all from the mission. It's totally outweighed everything else I've done this year. Obviously.

January. Stephanie got baptized. She was the first one I taught from start to finish. That girl's testimony is the size of the Pacific Ocean. Speaking of which, she put faith into perspective for me by teaching me that, "Faith is a small dot in the middle of a big ocean. That's all you need" Smart girl.

March. Sister Johnson and I made a cake for President in hopes of bribing him to keep us together in Brockport one more transfer. It was more like bribing the Spirit, which usually doesn't work, but this time it did!

March 14. Easily the best birthday present...we went to the Sacred Grove and Smith Farm for district meeting. There is something about discussing Joseph right where he grew up. It never got old.

  

May. After a long, exhausting day, I came home to Sister Beardsley in my bed. Our roommates got more of the effect they wanted when I turned the lights on myself! It completely lightened my mood and let me know that missionary work is actually supposed to be fun.

June. President Christianson's last Zone Conference. And...it was in the Grove. 

July. Hill Cumorah Pageant 2013. I got to spend a lot more time with the cast than usual...we were Cast Trainers who gave them missionary workshops, pointers, etc. The only three weeks on my mission I felt like a celebrity!

September. Meeting Britani. Teaching her. Seeing her be bapzited. Taking her through the sites. She is the epitome of having having the gospel "written in her heart." Britani just gets it, and I'm so lucky to be one of the two that got to teach her.

October. My exit interview. Probably (definitely) the best experience I've ever had in the Grove. It was the perfect way to end an 18 month journey in the Cradle of the Restoration.  Even though I've had many experiences in this place, this one sealed my testimony of what happened to Joseph with his Older Brother and Father.

October (the next day.) The best surprise of my life. Ten minutes before I boarded this plane, I wrote in my journal, "I don't think I've ever felt more alone." There obviously were a lot of tears at the scene. I don't think I stopped talking the whole flight...my mom is a trooper.

2013 was the best year of my life. But guess what?

O Christmas Tree.

There is a tree in my house. With lights on it. And presents underneath. (Well, they were.) That is really kinda weird.

But check this out:

"Thousands of lights were burning on the green branches, and gaily-colored pictures, such as she had seen in the shop windows, looked down upon her. The little maiden stretched out her hands towards them when--the match went out. The lights of the Christmas tree...she saw them now as stars in Heaven." -Hans Christian Andersen

Changes your perspective, doesn't it?

Merry Christmas!

Good things to come.

"But Christ being come an high priest of good things to come, by a greater and more perfect tabernacle, not made with hands..." -Hebrews 9:11

I had a really great personal study this morning. Out of all the wording that Paul could have been inspired with, He described Christ as being this Prince that could always swear by the promises He has made (which are tailored to us that we can learn by regular temple attendance.) Paul goes onto describe that hope is an "anchor to the soul." Just think for a moment what an anchor does, and the relationship it has to the boat and water, etc. 

via: vineetkaur.tumblr.com

Then, a chapter later (in my opinion) is one of the greatest written passages of all-time:

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions;

Partly, whilst ye were made a gazingstock both by reproaches and afflictions; and partly, whilst ye became companions of them that were so used.

For ye had compassion of me in my bonds, and took joyfully the spoiling of your goods, knowing in yourselves that ye have in heaven a better and an enduring substance.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.

Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.

But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul."

-Hebrews 10:31-39

There are good things to come in the next five minutes, there are good things to come within the next week, and there are even good things to come in 2014. You'll never go back to 2013, so there is no point in worrying about something that will never happen again. Hope is completely embracing the promises that He has handed to us; it's wrapping your entire body around the iron rod and holding onto it for dear life. 

There are good things to come. And the best part? He always keeps it a surprise.

Worship.

At first I was a little skeptical of that word. I always thought of people weeping, wailing and gnashing their teeth, and not really internalizing what they actually "believe." (The Adversary proves opposition in all things, right?)  But I've been thinking a lot about how I worship, and what the word actually means.

lds.org

worship, verb:

to render religious reverence and homage, as to a deity

to attend services of divine worship

to feel an adoring reverence or regard

It was no coincidence that Sacrament Meeting today was focused around the word, and that the conversation even bled over into Sunday School and Relief Society. So I begun to make a list of what I do everyday that proves to me that I worship my Savior, Jesus Christ. Obviously the primary answers were on top of the list, like attend the temple, read scriptures, pray, but what about helping out at a service project? Or just listening to someone? As members of the Church we are asked to "mourn with those that morn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." (Mosiah 18:9) 

I've also been wondering why music was such a passion for me, specifically performing. And it just hit me...that is one of my favorite forms of worship. It's the whole concept of getting a talent and turning it into five kinda thing...I guess literally in this case. I would drop pretty much anything at a chance to just sit down at the piano and sing, because I get to show The Lord how thankful I am that I still get to be here, and to still use what He has given me.

It has been fun to always have on the back of my mind what more I can do. Like...keeping a blog!

Share the good news!

“Sharing the good news of the gospel is easier and the effects more far-reaching than ever before. . . . Perhaps the Lord’s encouragement to ‘open [your] mouths’ might today include ‘use your hands’ to blog and text message the gospel to all the world! . . .with the blessings of modern technology, we can express gratitude and joy about God’s great plan for His children in a way that can be heard . . . around the world. Sometimes a single phrase of testimony can set events in motion that affect someone’s life for eternity.”  — President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I thought I would just copy the quote from the title page of the Church's social media site because it's fantastic...and because I can't come up with anything better myself. So, does everyone know why social media was even invented in the first place? Satan wants us to think that he created it for his own purposes, but in reality, God's always in charge. He always knows what's going on. It was created for us to share the gospel--plain and simple. Have you ever thought of how we are going get the gospel to the four corners of the earth? Like I said, He's a genius.

When I got an iPad today (!!) after selling my laptop, I realized I could not just read the scriptures and listen to conference talks, but I can have Preach My Gospel read to me and I can study from the most cherished book of the NYRM--Church History in the Fullness of Times. (Okay, I don't know how cherished it was to everyone else, but to me it is like gold.) AND IT'S FREE! Aside from the cost of the actual iPad...but it's the same price as a textbook. Totally worth it. And right now, I'm typing this up right on it. And I could e-mail my investigators back in New York, or post a scripture on a member's wall on Facebook. I'm in a technology shock right now, you'd think I was living under a rock for 18 months! Oh wait...

Anyway, missionary moment of the day I just have to share: I called my landlord in Washington, D.C. today to introduce myself. It didn't take five minutes to have him invited to lessons with the missionaries, and he is excited to talk to me more about it in January. All I had to do was say, "I just returned home from an LDS mission..." and that was it. They ask all the questions, you just have to know how to set the questions up. 

You see, it's all quite simple. People won't think you're stupid. In fact, they'll be wondering how in the world you love your Church so much to share it in everyday conversation, and they'll want to be a part of something that great, too. 

Just open your mouth...or in this case, your hands!

Building my bridge.

My mom calls them bridges. It's those awkward periods in life where you are coming from one thing and going onto the next. Sometimes it's fun to be on them, but if you're on one very long, you get very anxious. Fortunately, I'm building mine pretty fast.

Friday, Allie and I went all out and made it a girls' night--manicures and pedicures included! Finishing out the night cuddling with her while watching 

"The Emporor's New Groove," however, was the best part.

Saturday, right before our session at the Salt Lake Temple, Kadi and I tried to go to Taco Bell for some authentic Mexican food. But of course, on our way, we saw a sign for "New York Delicatessan," and said no more. It was really cool hanging out with my first companion again. Especially our adventures the next night...

After failing to find a single-adult group our age (walking into a 31+ single 

adult activity is kind of embarassing) we ended up here.

Everyone keeps asking me how the transition is going. Really, every returned missionary that talked to me about it before I left New York scared me into coming home--and I think that's what helped! Although everything I do seems pointless, I know in the long run it isn't really. Everyone has made it a very smooth landing back down to earth. I enjoy trying to put my life back together, because I get to start at ground zero. I don't have to do anything I did before, and I don't have to remember any stupid things I did in my pre-mission life. I scored one big tabula rasa.

The best advice was from President Francis. In my exit interview, we counted up the times that I prayed in a day as a missionary, which turned about to be about 30-40 times. He noted that it really wasn't going to be that much anymore, because of a total decrease in lessons taught, companion/site study, etc. However, if I kept up a constant communication with Heavenly Father, by trying to pray just as much, it would be a great landing. My scripture study and strict temple attendance have been crucial in my sanity as well. I didn't even want to risk dropping off the spiritual map.

Let's be honest, though...the biggest I've help I've had is from Jesus Christ. He doesn't just help His full-time missionaries, He helps all of His children. Anytime something gets even close to more than I can handle, I hand it over to Him. He can't do it for me, but He sure can help me find a better way. It's a heck of a lot easier to hand it over to Him from the beginning. 

Eternal perspective, people...it really helps. You can do anything for five minutes. It's basically the same idea with God; our life is like five minutes long in His eyes. 

So yes, the transition has been fantastic.

Where it all began.

A mission can be one of the greatest things in your life. It is the only thing in your life that no one but God can decide. He knows exactly who needs you in the amount of time you've been given. We put our entire trust in Him to send us exactly where we need to be.

When praying about my mission call, where I would go, who I would serve, I had a request that I could serve near a temple of God (and that I could teach the most people in the shortest amount of time). It was a small request, I thought. I already knew I would go wherever the Lord wanted me to go, and be happy about it, but little did I know that a prophet of the Church would go on to say this about the temple that He has placed me next to for the last 18 months:

"I regard this temple as perhaps the most significant, in one respect, in the entire Church," President Hinckley said. "It was right here in the Sacred Grove where it all began."

When I got my call to serve in the New York Rochester Mission, I felt something soft come over me, almost like Heavenly Father himself was wrapping his arms around me. I could almost hear Him telling me, "Here is the place where you will flourish in preaching my gospel. This is where you will bring the light of the gospel to others for the rest of their lives. Here is where you will build my Church." I put my hand over my mouth in disbelief that I had an actual call come straight from God, and not only just a call, but this call. Tears didn't stop flowing as I kept reading the letter from The First Presidency. I realized I was doing exactly the opposite of what my ancestors did--I hitched up my wagon back to the place where it all began. I was going to return to the place they deliberately left. 

So why in the world would I do that? Why only could it be one of the greatest things of my life? Well, it was all about my attitude. It could have been the most horrific experience of my life, as it obviously was for Joseph Smith and my ancestors that followed him from New York all the way to Nauvoo. So why even try to serve a mission in the first place? I'm getting yelled at while freezing, then the next moment I think I'm going into a heat coma, I haven't heard my own mother's voice in over seven months, and we saw one of our best investigators hiding when we came to the door (for the fifth time.) So, with that being said...

I am overwhelmed with the love I have for the people in New York. My heart explodes, and I kinda even start shaking on the inside when I talk about it. I could have totally been miserable for those approximately 545 days I spent on the battlefield. But, couldn't have hand-picked a better place to serve Him. 

Not in a million years.

The Real Deal

Spring cleaning can (sometimes) be a wonderful thing.

Except now it's fall, so I guess I should call it Fall cleaning. Anyway, in digging up all of my old things, I found my C.S. Lewis quote book I bought a couple years ago. In it, I discovered this gem:

"It is quite right that you should feel that 'something terrific' has happened to you...accept these sensations with thankfulness as birthday cards from God, but remember that they are only greetings, not the real gift. I mean that it is not the sensations that are the real thing. The real thing is the gift of the Holy Spirit...it will be there when you can't feel it. May even be most operative when you can feel it least."

-C.S. Lewis

Now, coming from a man who was not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, this is epic. Even if he was a member who studied this kind of doctrine on a daily basis, it still is epic. He recognized that he did not have the Gift of the Holy Ghost yet, but had the Light of Christ. I spent a lot of my mission wondering if I actually could feel the Spirit's influence, and how in the world I could figure out how He even operated, but then looking back--I realized that He was the only One guiding me. I have this Gift of the Holy Ghost that C.S. Lewis talking about, and it is operative on how obedient I am. Not how much I think I understand it. How amazing is that?

I thought it was pretty amazing back in '95!