The biggest lesson.

I have learned one very big, important lesson since being married.

That getting married isn't your solve-all end for every problem in your life.

Okay, so that may be dramatic. I'll be the first to admit my life really isn't that hard. I know that's not normal. You don't have to be the millionth to tell me. But I will tell you, that I do go through hard things. 

I do have problems that just make me want the Second Coming to happen right now. And I'm sure that's not normal either...joke! Seriously, everyone is apt to tons of nasty stuff. So of course, just like I thought when I was thirteen, I thought for sure that all of my problems would go away when I got married. Obviously because someone loved me enough to live with me, and start a family with me, that nothing else mattered. Well, there is some truth to that. However...

I had a really hard time the month after I got married. (Which was like, last month.) I thought for sure it was the birth control that was making me extra emotional, and feeling like I was failing as a wife already! I called my doctor, and told her I needed to get on a lower dose of estrogen because I was being weird. Well, she told me I was on the lowest dose they had. DANG IT. 

So, I had to figure out something else. I prayed and prayed some more. A question soon came to my mind, "When was the last time I wrote in my journal?" From that little thing--let me tell you, that thought changed everything. It lead me to think about the stuff I had completely left behind in my single life to move to my married life. And you know what all that stuff was?

Everything. I had completely let go of all of my hobbies, and anything that made me happy. (Of course, Kasey makes me happy! But you all know what I mean.) I hadn't even touched a piano or sang a note in two months. I hadn't even written a thing in my journal since our wedding day, and still had my missionary scriptures packed in a box somewhere. iPhone scriptures are just not the same.

Once I realized this was the issue, I got myself an hour on a friend's piano, sat down before work to write in my journal, and put my missionary scriptures on my nightstand to study from. Who woulda thought that would have made all the difference? Just those little changes have made me feel like myself again. I'm able to be a better wife because I take a few minutes to myself everyday. This blog, included. I love writing and taking time to be grateful for the things that the Lord has so graciously given me and my family. 

Before any of you think that marriage will solve all of your problems, it won't.

Becoming your best self will.

I LOVE pictures, okay?

There is just no way I could post enough. My friend Ashley did such a great job taking all of these pictures! The only problem I have now, is trying to decide which ones to hang in our house. If any of you would like to vote on which ones those would be, now would be the time to speak up.

For your (my) viewing pleasure:

The Proposal.

18,046 miles traveled. 

Two road trips across six states and 16 boarding passes later, 

I somehow snagged myself a fiancé!

I’ve never been engaged before (thankfully) so I didn’t really know how this all worked. Every girl imagines it in her head, but somehow you still just have no idea what to think or where to start. I’ve had my phone blow up with people asking for details, so I decided just to write it up and put it on here! Plus I forgot my journal (LAME) so this counts for that.

The story starts Christmas day. We had such a wonderful morning, with me and Jordan going to wake up Kasey like little kids on, well...Christmas morning...and then we all surrounded the tree to open presents and be together in our PJs. 

Christmas morning at the Hess Home

Well, the usual Christmas happened, and it was so peaceful. But the story you really want to hear starts Christmas night. Kasey’s brother and sister-in-law had just left and I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. He followed me into the kitchen, wrapped himself up in me, and started heckling the heck out of me about my feelings of possibly being an engaged woman. Since heckling is his best talent, I really didn’t think anything of it…for the first half hour at least. He said stuff like, “Mon, I bet you really wish I would propose to you on Christmas. I’m sorry, there’s only an hour and a half left, so just don’t think anything okay? You wouldn’t want to marry me anyway.” Of course there was (play) slapping and hitting and me trying to drop the subject…but he kept saying, “MONICA what do you want for Christmas?” I kept on saying, “Kasey how many times do I have to say this. You are all I want!” And since I already was dating him, I was content and everything was great. I knew it wasn’t going to happen because it was just way too obvious.

The half hour went by and by this time I was thinking that he wouldn’t be doing this for just anything. After laughing and heckling, it did cross my mind a time or two that tonight might be the night, but then he grabbed my shoulders and said, “In all seriousness, I’m just tight on money. Can’t do it right now. I’m sorry, babe.” I smiled, kissed him, said that was okay, and went back to eating whatever I was eating, fully knowing that in order for him to succeed I had to be at least a little bit ticked. So, of course he wasn’t happy with my content answer, so of course…more heckling. “Mon, don’t you want to go for a walk? I don’t have anything, but don’t you just want to go? Just me and you?” I said, no, it’s okay…but he kept asking and so I just let him succeed. He mostly loved that he had to make me ask if we were going anywhere. He pulled out this white box, shook it, and said, “let’s go for a walk.” Of course I went.

We started on this walk around the neighborhood with this white box obviously in the front pocket of his sweatshirt. Kasey did not let me even anywhere near it, so I just decided to let it go and just enjoy the walk. About every five steps he kissed me, and kept squeezing my hand. Not that normal, but okay! (The only reason I didn’t catch on to this obvious hint is because this guy is smarter than smart, and he knows exactly what I would read into and what I wouldn’t. I honestly didn’t think anything was going to happen…I thought he was just going to trick me by going for a walk with this box in his pocket and not mention it once the whole time.) We kept walking around and as we got to a little open spot with just one street lamp he stopped and grabbed both hands. He looked at me and told me seriously that he knew what I was thinking, and he felt bad it just wasn’t going to be at this time. Money really was tight (he just bought new “socks and shoes” for his truck) and he probably would propose over my birthday when he could afford a ring that I wanted. Kasey did tell me he wanted to get me something, that it wasn’t much and not very big, but it was an expression of his love. He slowly pulled out the white box from his front pocket, put it in my hands, and asked me to open it. Remember, there was just one street lamp and so I couldn’t really see anything anyway. I opened it while looking at him skeptically and out of the corner my eye saw something really shiny. I opened it quicker and inside revealed…

A Hershey kiss.

Monica: “KASEY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Kasey: “WHAT, IT’S A KISS! Don’t you love me?! You can have a real one if you want!!”

I was laughing so hard. He played dumb, asked why I was laughing and said, “What, you weren’t expecting anything else were you?” He looked so confused that I was laughing and was “offended” that I didn’t want that piece of chocolate. We walked a few more steps when he grabbed both of my hands and again said, “Ok, Mon. In ALL seriousness. I’m just not going to give you what you really wanted. And I know what you wanted. You wanted me to propose to you on Christmas night because it’s all cute.” After me saying, “are you being serious right now?” about fifty times, and me still laughing, he whispered into my ear that he wanted to be with me forever. Then he just kept talking gibberish knowing full well that I would say after the forever comment, “WAIT. Wait…what did you say? Did you just say you wanted to be with me forever?” Well, of course I said exactly that.

Right after I did, I hear a big, “OUCH! Agh! Ouch!” He bent down to check out the problem. “There are ants in my boot!” (Legit though…there are crazy stinging ants in Florida. Hurts for weeks.) But he wasn’t taking his foot out of his boot! I was still laughing uncontrollably and as I threw my head back, he took my hand and slowly put one knee on the pavement. He said some cute stuff like he wanted me to be his wife, and again that he wanted to be with me forever…and I STILL didn’t believe him! He took the other hand to open another box, one that I hadn’t seen before.

Like I said, there was only one street lamp. Everything else was pitch black. When that box opened, I swear to you that box was glowing. It was only out of the corner of my eye, because again, I did not want that to be a figment of my imagination. I stopped laughing, and so did he. The next thing I heard were the words I was hoping for. And so sweet out of his mouth was,

“Will you marry me?”

“Wait, baby, are you still kidding?” At this point, I could see the seriousness in his face, and I just lost it. I didn’t even dare look at the ring because I was scared it was going to disappear and this moment would go away. I kept looking straight into his eyes, said yes, and just cried. (Oh yeah, and we kissed a lot. Of course.) It was longer than usual before he asked me if I wanted to even see the ring! I looked at it and definitely gasped…I couldn’t have designed it better myself. I still didn’t believe it was mine, so I asked through my tears, “Is this for me??” He laughed at me while I asked him if he would put it on my finger. I was still in shock walking back to the house to tell everyone…and slapping his arm on the way back because he tricked me so bad! I’m so glad he proposed the way he did because I wanted it to be just me and him, and the fact that it was so simple just down the street was that much more romantic. This is a perfect example of something I really like about our relationship; we are able to be best friends playing around one second and then immediately pull out the romance card.

Kasey also knows how much I like pictures, so he pulled out his phone and took one right after we were made official. 10:50 p.m., Christmas night.

After we went back to tell the family and of course the whole Facebook/Instagram thing, we just sat on the couch staring at the ring, yes, but mostly each other. I can’t believe I’m engaged to such a hard working, family wanting, God loving man that will always live up to his priesthood duties. I’ve always wanted to know what my husband will look like, and now all I have to do is look at my screensaver to see who that is!

Well, as Kasey could tell you, he is all I asked for. And I got exactly what I want. Forever.

-The future Mrs. Hess

Cradle of the Restoration.

Return of the Jedi. Stepping into your old mission field after having the name tag off for quite some time feels like you're getting some sort of special powers back. The weirdest thing though was driving across the border from Pennsylvania to New York on my six month anniversary of being an official RM...and realizing I wasn't a missionary. It felt like I was driving into the city on The Truman Show with outside knowledge now! This time, I wasn't Sister Hawkes anymore. (Well...to most people.) I was Monica--the version who I wanted to be at this time. In fact, I think I'm even better than I ever hoped I would be. 

Bringing friends to a place I am (let's be honest) obsessed with is something I will put into continual practice. We stayed with the Jacobson's that first and foremost made our trip just plain fun. Inside jokes aren't just for teenagers. But then, we all got into the spiritual part of the weekend, which resulted in me learning more than I ever thought I would. That's how I know I'm choosing my friends correctly...my absolute favorite thing to do is sit in on a discussion on our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Plan for me. That's all we did all weekend. It was amazing.

Anyway, we started off Friday morning at the Book of Mormon Publication Site and got an absolutely incredible tour from Sister Noble. Since I didn't mention to anyone I was coming, it was the reunion of a lifetime for the both of us. She gave us a fantastic tour to start off our weekend, and set the tone for the rest of our trip! 

And walked around the town...

And saw the highlight of the trip...the Joseph Smith Farm and Sacred Grove. Sister Jeanfreau taught me so much being there again, now having the experiences of post-mission life and relating them to what I taught as a missionary. My mind continually tends to be blown on what's in store for me if I continue on this path.

Saturday, we headed over to the Hill Cumorah. We read Mormon chapter six and the appropriate verses in JS History to really internalize what we were seeing. It was the boys' first time ever to this place, so we had to!

The lovely Sister Allred took us to her home in Mendon, where the prophet Brigham Young lived and got baptized. I had never been there before!

On the way home, we drove through Gettysburg...why not stop and take a look? We got a little American history in there with us!

And the last but not least to our final stop...the Washington, D.C. temple. 

Those special powers really work when you give your all for 18-24 months. Monica 2.0 is a lot stronger.

God bless the broken road.

via: imforevergrateful.tumbler

Have you ever had those moments (or longer than moments) when you thought a ship was sailed? Or when you feel stupid that you asked for certain things that you thought were the best? Well, since God is...a god...He kinda has some idea on how He could make things better. All He needs to do that is your patience, your patience, and...you guessed it, your patience. 

I want to point out two scriptures that illustrate my point perfectly:

25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. (Romans 8:25-26)

14 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. (D&C 6:14)

I just can never comprehend the massiveness of possibilities The Lord has in store for us. And no, I am not talking about earthly achievements. I'm talking about pure happiness...and the state of mind that comes with that. A lot of people think my happiness as being Monica comes from serving in the best mission in the world (true), working in Washington, D.C., being in Young Ambassadors, or whatever. All this stuff I've been doing lately sets me up for failure, stress, and looking totally stupid. Let's be honest, it does already. I have no idea what I'm doing! Although it is all labeled, "fun," I had to work WAY harder than I ever thought I needed to in the first place...and that's where this happiness I have comes from. It's from failing, millions of times, and then something finally sticking. It's going after everything I possibly could, and getting only about 5% of what I work for. But that small amount from the other 95% I thought was better, is what was "the best" for me. I took an insane amount of detours, but how does that song go? God bless the broken road.

Just because it isn't happening RIGHT NOW, doesn't mean it will never happen. Believe me, He is running marathons for you up there. Take some time to believe it.

More than imagination.

General Conference will always go down in history as any kid's favorite Sunday.

Don't worry--that never changes. But what does change, is the perspective. I used to think church in pajamas was a genius idea, and thought there had to be someway to broadcast Sacrament Meeting to each ward every week. But just like the whole point of General Conference weekend, the comraderie is what keeps a lot of us on the rope of hope and faith.

Which moves me to point out my favorite quote of any of the sessions:

"Faith truly is more than imagination or psychological invention." - Elder D. Todd Christofferson

Am I the only one that struggles with sometimes thinking I'm talking to my pillow instead of my Father in Heaven? This helped me put into perspective that I'm not just a puppet on a string for Him. How many times has someone said, "Oh, don't worry about it...you'll be fine." And then you aren't? Don't you sometimes thing faith is a form of procrastination for things that you feel need to get done right here--right now?

The commandment to have faith is absolutely not just Him delaying the blessings...just because He can. It is definitely not Christ taking advantage of hearing you cry our for Heavenly Father for the things you need. It is more than thinking up something totally irrelevant to your situation and hoping it comes true. Remember, He is a God who weeps. He's going to set up your Plan, not the easiest, but the best way possible for you learn how to just trust Him. He can not only see your past, but He knows your future. He knows you so well that He will be able to tell what decisions you will make in your progression to eternal life, thus giving Him the ability to know such a thing. Faith gives you the strength to follow through with that trust you acquire, and not just to hold on for dear life. It keeps you moving toward perfection in the straightest way possible.

Now that I'm off my soap box, here's just a few pictures from the wonderful, spirit and peace-filled weekend.

What if?

What if there is no God? 

What if there was no reason to wake up tomorrow and go to work, what if there was no reason to work to earn money to support your family, what if there was no reason to support a family to raise them to believe in a higher power--really--what if there was no, dare I say it again, God?

Its not a question that most Utahns ask themselves. A lot of us think, "Well, what would I do with my social life on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday morning and Sunday?" "What would I teach my children, and how do I give them excitement for what lies ahead?" It's too much to think about...so some are stuck going through the motions. 

C.S. Lewis is one of my most favorite quotable authors. He has one of the best arguments about Atheism...and I'll just paraphrase for now. He explains that Atheism turns out to be too simple...for if there was no such thing, wouldn't have we already found out there was nothing to believe in the first place? My personal, Monican belief about men and women who claim to be "atheist," (because there is no such thing anyway--think about it) is they haven't yet invested the time to ponder on what's around them. And let me throw it back to this: if you are just going through the motions as a Member of the Church, is it any different than as if you were an atheist?

There is no way that God would put us on earth to be robots. We would be boring, and not to mention, so not attractive. We wouldn't even be here in the first place if that was the case. We have to put in the time to believe in God to make this a worthwhile experience. It's also not a one-time event where we get a gold star on our foreheads that says, "Hey, everyone, just so you know, I believe in God," and call it good. It is a daily occurrence, and when you think you're not making any progress...is when you're making the most. 

Lewis sums my whole thesis statement with this:

"I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan's to lead it. I'm going to live like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

I haven't seen God as a Mortal. I haven't heard His voice, and I definitely haven't seen His finger touch any stones, but...oh boy, do I know that He is real. He is more real than reality itself.

I know that because of one question I ask myself daily: What if there is a God?"

Oh, it is wonderful.

I am so simply amazed at how much Heavenly Father knows that I don't. That may seem completely, blatantly obvious. But think about it...

via: pinterest.com

HE MADE THAT. From all the stars in the world, all of the planets that didn't just "happen" to come together...my Father knows me. Not only does He know me, but He loves me perfectly, too. And it's not something He just learned overnight.

I recently finished a book entitled, "The God Who Weeps." No, it's not a sad book at all, don't worry! It's specifically for those who love to think a little bit deeper about how much God really knows you. I would highly recommend it. It taught me more clearly that He is a person, He is your Father, and He gets it.

There is a whole grand scheme of things that is specifically tailored to each of us. None of us understand it all, nor have the same Grand Plan, and it's up to us if we actually get there. We let go completely of our will, and turn it over to Him. But guess what? When you do that--He gives you more than you could ever dream possible. I've trained myself to think when something bad happens, I never feel like He has ever let me down. I feel as if He has lifted me up to a higher plane of thought and opportunity. And that is the best feeling in the world.

It really all comes down to one word: hope. He knows what you want. He just wants to turn it into something even better.

O Christmas Tree.

There is a tree in my house. With lights on it. And presents underneath. (Well, they were.) That is really kinda weird.

But check this out:

"Thousands of lights were burning on the green branches, and gaily-colored pictures, such as she had seen in the shop windows, looked down upon her. The little maiden stretched out her hands towards them when--the match went out. The lights of the Christmas tree...she saw them now as stars in Heaven." -Hans Christian Andersen

Changes your perspective, doesn't it?

Merry Christmas!

Good things to come.

"But Christ being come an high priest of good things to come, by a greater and more perfect tabernacle, not made with hands..." -Hebrews 9:11

I had a really great personal study this morning. Out of all the wording that Paul could have been inspired with, He described Christ as being this Prince that could always swear by the promises He has made (which are tailored to us that we can learn by regular temple attendance.) Paul goes onto describe that hope is an "anchor to the soul." Just think for a moment what an anchor does, and the relationship it has to the boat and water, etc. 

via: vineetkaur.tumblr.com

Then, a chapter later (in my opinion) is one of the greatest written passages of all-time:

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions;

Partly, whilst ye were made a gazingstock both by reproaches and afflictions; and partly, whilst ye became companions of them that were so used.

For ye had compassion of me in my bonds, and took joyfully the spoiling of your goods, knowing in yourselves that ye have in heaven a better and an enduring substance.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.

Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.

But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul."

-Hebrews 10:31-39

There are good things to come in the next five minutes, there are good things to come within the next week, and there are even good things to come in 2014. You'll never go back to 2013, so there is no point in worrying about something that will never happen again. Hope is completely embracing the promises that He has handed to us; it's wrapping your entire body around the iron rod and holding onto it for dear life. 

There are good things to come. And the best part? He always keeps it a surprise.

Unimaginable.

Not enough people have real hope. I will admit I have my days where I really can't see through the thick fog in front of me. That's human. But to think day after day that nothing ever great is going to happen to you--is ridiculous. 

You and I are designed to have the best thing imaginable in our reach. Right now. I know I'm a crazy optimist, but sometimes we think that good things only happen to your best friend, your cousin, or your co-worker (who doesn't seem to be really working that hard,) but guess what? Now here goes the unimaginable...our Father in Heaven has plans for us that are literally so good that no one can imagine them yet. Those He has saved for YOU.

"And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands." (1 Nephi 2:20)

Read it again, and make sure you substitute the word "land" for something that you've been praying hard for lately.

Now, here's the million dollar question: Are you willing to live for it?

The Real Deal

Spring cleaning can (sometimes) be a wonderful thing.

Except now it's fall, so I guess I should call it Fall cleaning. Anyway, in digging up all of my old things, I found my C.S. Lewis quote book I bought a couple years ago. In it, I discovered this gem:

"It is quite right that you should feel that 'something terrific' has happened to you...accept these sensations with thankfulness as birthday cards from God, but remember that they are only greetings, not the real gift. I mean that it is not the sensations that are the real thing. The real thing is the gift of the Holy Spirit...it will be there when you can't feel it. May even be most operative when you can feel it least."

-C.S. Lewis

Now, coming from a man who was not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, this is epic. Even if he was a member who studied this kind of doctrine on a daily basis, it still is epic. He recognized that he did not have the Gift of the Holy Ghost yet, but had the Light of Christ. I spent a lot of my mission wondering if I actually could feel the Spirit's influence, and how in the world I could figure out how He even operated, but then looking back--I realized that He was the only One guiding me. I have this Gift of the Holy Ghost that C.S. Lewis talking about, and it is operative on how obedient I am. Not how much I think I understand it. How amazing is that?

I thought it was pretty amazing back in '95!

Stronger than gravity.

"The feeling of love from our Heavenly Father is like a gravitational pull from heaven. As we remove the distractions that pull us toward the world and exercise our agency to seek Him, we open our hearts to a celestial force which draws us to Him." -Elder Paul E. Koelliker

Our favorite study place--on top of the Hill Cumorah

Let's be honest, I'll weave my mission throughout my entire life. It absolutely will bleed through to this blog! I can't not talk about the single greatest thing that has influenced my conversion to Jesus Christ. Today, while sitting in church, I felt such a strong sense of accomplishment for what I just completed, and a duty to continue my labors for the Lord. My training wheels are off--and I'm still running! 

Sister Correia...the best trainer in the NYRM.

And the single greatest thing that happened today (besides giving a second homecoming talk) was seeing the Elders in my home ward, practically tackling them with questions. What I would give to let them know how grateful I was that they are still out. What an incredible army we've got, with an even more of an incredible Boss. When I come to Him, He gives me that gravitational pull of identity, purpose, and divine design that any human soul longs for on a daily basis.

I wish I could comprehend 1/1,000,000th of how much He loves you and me.

Yellowstone Bound

It's been quite an eventful week! I don't think I've even had time to sit down and think about what I'm doing next week. (I've tried to keep a scheduled weekly planning session from the mish, but it's just not working...)

Anyway, this is what Alison (Sister Jones), my dad and I did last weekend. It was Yellowstone's last weekend open, and we got the benefits. I would try to explain the beauty of it, but I think pictures will do a way better job than I ever could.

 The whole time I was there, I was wondering how on earth someone could see this, and not believe in a Supreme Being. There are way too many things that I saw last weekend that were perfect. It gave me such a humbled and peaceful feeling that I had been serving that same God for the last year and a half....and will continue to serve, with all my "heart, might, mind and strength."

And this is us in our early days at the Hill Cumorah Pageant 2012! 

We're just missing our other half...Sister Adams...

"This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. We have the incomprehensible promise of exaltation—worlds without end—within our grasp. And it is God’s great desire to help us reach it."

—Dieter F. Uchtdorf