Peaceful.

If you know me, I love three things: my husband, my religion, and writing. So, since I've written plenty about my husband, you know where this is going. Now, I do have a lot of friends that don't know too much about my religion (or you do--because I've talked your ear off about it.) So why would a 24-year-old girl care so much about going to church on Sunday? 

So...the whole religion thing. Why would anyone want to believe in something, when you have to do more things when you belong to a church? There's got to be a reason to all of this crazy madness. 

Well, let me ask you a question. What do you think gives you peace? Now, really think about it. 

When was the last time you were peaceful? 

You're probably at work or watching TV reading this, but I want you to imagine you sitting right here on this bench, and asking yourself that question. Give yourself a minute.

My guess is that it has something to do with your family, your kids, or knowing that you are loved. Right?

Right. This is why I do all of this stuff for church. This is why I talk about it so much. I know my Father up in Heaven loves me. We are his literal DNA. We have some piece of Him that is in us, and it's up to us to figure out what that is. Once we do, we will work tirelessly for Him. Obviously, I still get tired--so I have a long way to go! But He loves you and I more than we can imagine. 

How far would you go to get peace? You guys--I'm talking constant peace. Not just when you go to church, or you're with your family. I have peace all the time. Even when things feel like they should be going wrong. This is why I'm so crazy about this.

It's not a secret anymore. The same church that Jesus Christ set-up when He was here on the earth, is now back on the earth. The SAME one, you guys! If you know Christ even a little bit, you know He is organized. If He is so organized, why would he have 55,538,021 (okay, made up number) churches that go back to Him? Yep, you're right, that doesn't make sense. It took one boy, Joseph Smith, to ask a simple question that's been in the Bible all along.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not...and it shall be given him." -James 1:5

Joseph asked God a question in the same place as the above picture: The Sacred Grove. What he saw after he prayed was miraculous. He had begun the journey, and had started the ties from the past prophets, Peter, James, John, Moses, Adam...to now. Why do you think the Lord wanted it to be called, "The Church of Jesus Christ...of LATTER-DAY Saints?" 

Alright, I realize I'm starting to get on a soapbox, here. But do you get my point? Life is really good. And it's all because of Him. 24/7...it's good.

This post has been inspired by re-reading my old mission e-mails. I put them all on a blog so my family back home could read it, and mostly so I could put it all in one place. If you feel so inclined to read any of it, visit: www.sistermonicahawkes.wordpress.com.

Settled down.

I used to have a thousand blog topics running through my head. That was, until I got married. I know, you hear it from everyone, "Once you get married your life will change. You'll never have the same life again." And you know what, that's exactly right!

Those six years I had of being single and free were amazing! I got to travel across the country, answer to no one, make my own schedule, and life was so fast-paced. I remember performing every other weekend and going home on the other weekends if I didn't have any food left.

Now I have certain amount of vacation days, and a hungry husband at dinnertime. You're probably thinking the negative way. And I'm sure some people take it in a negative way for their own lives! But me--not a chance. Getting married was the best thing I've ever done. 

I love having someone to take care of me--and only me. (While that lasts!)

I love not going to bed alone. 

I love going on crazy adventures because we aren't in the dating stage anymore. 

I love having someone that counts on me for their everyday life. 

I love decorating our own place.

I love staying up late and laughing about weird things.

I love having someone to talk to when things don't go as planned.

I love dreaming about what our future will be like.

Now, even though I loved my life before I met my husband, I couldn't imagine life without him. He's been gone on a business trip these last couple of days, and man--his personality brings so much joy into my life! I'm that wife that counts down the hours to when I can see him again. Only 24 more to go. So many people tell their friends their husband is their "best friend," but when I say he's my best friend--for real, HE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

I've finally settled down with my best friend.

Love notes.

Without looking at Pinterest, (because let's be honest all he looks at on that site is truck stuff), Kasey totally made my whole day. Look how cute he is:

My love language is obviously "words of affirmation." And girls, whoever might tell you it's a sign of weakness, it's just our womanly nature. Don't feel stupid if you love those three little words. Because it's cool. Anyway, I really love my hubby. Sometimes I have this weird mind game where I think it's too good to be true, and sometimes, I even wake up and think it was all a dream. 

I hope I do the same thing for him. I hope I'm a good enough wife and future mommy that Kasey thinks he's in a dream for the rest of forever. I guess this is what our Heavenly Father meant when He tells us that our dreams can become a reality! 

Ok, long rant for just this, but I'm just so happy I scored on the whole "marriage" thing.

The biggest lesson.

I have learned one very big, important lesson since being married.

That getting married isn't your solve-all end for every problem in your life.

Okay, so that may be dramatic. I'll be the first to admit my life really isn't that hard. I know that's not normal. You don't have to be the millionth to tell me. But I will tell you, that I do go through hard things. 

I do have problems that just make me want the Second Coming to happen right now. And I'm sure that's not normal either...joke! Seriously, everyone is apt to tons of nasty stuff. So of course, just like I thought when I was thirteen, I thought for sure that all of my problems would go away when I got married. Obviously because someone loved me enough to live with me, and start a family with me, that nothing else mattered. Well, there is some truth to that. However...

I had a really hard time the month after I got married. (Which was like, last month.) I thought for sure it was the birth control that was making me extra emotional, and feeling like I was failing as a wife already! I called my doctor, and told her I needed to get on a lower dose of estrogen because I was being weird. Well, she told me I was on the lowest dose they had. DANG IT. 

So, I had to figure out something else. I prayed and prayed some more. A question soon came to my mind, "When was the last time I wrote in my journal?" From that little thing--let me tell you, that thought changed everything. It lead me to think about the stuff I had completely left behind in my single life to move to my married life. And you know what all that stuff was?

Everything. I had completely let go of all of my hobbies, and anything that made me happy. (Of course, Kasey makes me happy! But you all know what I mean.) I hadn't even touched a piano or sang a note in two months. I hadn't even written a thing in my journal since our wedding day, and still had my missionary scriptures packed in a box somewhere. iPhone scriptures are just not the same.

Once I realized this was the issue, I got myself an hour on a friend's piano, sat down before work to write in my journal, and put my missionary scriptures on my nightstand to study from. Who woulda thought that would have made all the difference? Just those little changes have made me feel like myself again. I'm able to be a better wife because I take a few minutes to myself everyday. This blog, included. I love writing and taking time to be grateful for the things that the Lord has so graciously given me and my family. 

Before any of you think that marriage will solve all of your problems, it won't.

Becoming your best self will.

I LOVE pictures, okay?

There is just no way I could post enough. My friend Ashley did such a great job taking all of these pictures! The only problem I have now, is trying to decide which ones to hang in our house. If any of you would like to vote on which ones those would be, now would be the time to speak up.

For your (my) viewing pleasure:

Married life.

It's time to update this thing. Kasey has been a great husband and has motivated me to start back up again.

Wait, husband? I know. I can't believe I have a h.u.s.b.a.n.d. It's just as weird for me as anyone else, I'm sure. Well, I thought I should update my friends and family on what we're up to, because I've been the worst and haven't talked to anyone yet. I'm really sorry. Don't take it personally!

Let's go back to June 19, 2015.

While it truly was one of the greatest days of my life, the best day of my life keeps happening time and time again with this guy. Butttttt, it was an undescribable day, that's for sure! It was everything I was expecting and even more. It's like your birthday, and ten Christmases rolled into one day. The presents that you are promised in the temple are INSANE! Marriage really is ordained of God, and it's obvious that Heavenly Father has plenty of rewards to help you think so. 

Well, that day was great. I could post more pictures of that day, but that wouldn't leave room for other pictures to be posted, plus I put about a thousand of them on Facebook. Now, onto our first adventure as a married couple...

ROAD TRIP!

Rapid City, South Dakota was our first destination. Yes, we drove that whole day the next day. But it was so great--we were able to talk about our day, share our feelings, (Okay, let's be honest...I talked to Kasey most of the day while he listened. But he LOVES listening!) So, once we rolled up into town, all of the hotels were booked because there were two simultaneous softball and gymnastics tournaments. Of course. There was no room in the inn for the newlyweds. We called all around, and the only place we found was the handicap room at the Holiday Inn. All of the doors were extra wide and the bathroom was almost bigger than our own room, with lots of little gadgets. It was actually quite fun!

The next morning we woke up and rented our own Harley and took it out for the day!

Man, that thing is fun. We zipped around to a few different cities, and finally ended up at Mount Rushmore. South Dakota is the Wild, Wild West! It was perfect weather and just holding onto my husband while driving a motorcycle...every girl's dream.

Next to...

Nashville! This was my part of the trip, because we got to do everything "music." Seriously, if you're a country music fan, you have to go there. At night walking down lower broadway where all of the HonkyTonk happens, they have some of the BEST amateur vocalists I've ever seen. I mean these people could easily get recording deals...and some of them do! It was a blast.

Well, we rounded up the trip and finally got to our home sweet home in San Antonio. Both of our parents were there to help us unload our car and get as many things ready as possible. It was so nice of them. We went the next day out on the boat and gave my parents a view of Clearwater Beach in St. Pete. My husband was loving that trip.

Starting normal life was really fun, but also really hard. Getting back into the groove of things is very difficult, when you're used to spending all of your time getting ready for the wedding. 

So....we weren't ready to get back into the groove yet...so we went to the Florida Keys! (I had to get SCUBA certified, okay?)

What a great trip. It is picture perfect down there. And only an afternoon's trip from our house! 

I have quickly learned that marriage is not a one-time event, it is a daily occurrence. I mean, we've only been married 6 weeks. Of course this "marriage" thing would come easily to us. But right now, we are building the blocks that will help us get through the hard times. 

But from what I hear from everyone. It's totally worth it. 

The best year.

One year ago today I was sitting at the Salt Lake International airport refreshing this screen every ten seconds:

I felt all of the emotions at once. Scared, excited, nervous, crazy, confused...all of them. Some random guy that I met three weeks prior was coming to my house for a week to (pretty much) meet me and my whole family. It took me forever to try and pick out what to wear and how to do my hair; the whole week before he told me he had booked a flight! (I guess telling him I wanted to kiss his face without really saying those words got him here a bit quicker.)

Well, after he landed, it took all of about five seconds for me to realize it was a good idea that he came. But for him, he was as calm as a cucumber the entire time. I took that the wrong way the first day, but after getting a post-goodnight text saying, "So, did I pass the parents test?" I thought he might actually like me. Imagine that, flying across the country for a girl he doesn't know? Yeah, definitely not his normal personality. Looking back, this was a huge deal.

We decided to be tourists in Salt Lake for our first date the next morning, after my dad took him for a man-to-man horseride. (Poor guy.) I had a feeling we should just take a picture in front of the temple...

And now, one year later, I'm sitting here staring at my left ring finger, and looking at a picture that he sent me of our beautiful backyard sunset in our new house, wondering where the last year went. Time is going by way too fast. And I'm staring at this picture on my background. 

He's going to kill me for this! But it's just so cute.

College grad.

How in the world did I get here? I thought this day would never come. Well, that's it. I'm done. Just like that. I feel like I've been running a marathon for the past six years, and now, I never have to run the rest of my life! Wouldn't that be great. 

It just feels really good to be done. Now, the only thing I have to do is perform in Nauvoo, get married and move across the country! Okay. 

...and, I still have the cutest fiance in the history of fiances.

We keep snapchat in business at all hours of the day.

I guarantee no one is more in love with anyone than I am with him.

Beach kid.

I'm sorry, but this is so cute. 

His current favorite hobby is scuba diving...and he's pretty darn good at it!

However cute this may be, my favorite thing about this picture is that he now always
remembers to lift up his glasses so I can see his eyes. Score!

...and he's rubbing in the fact that it's snowing in Utah right now and absoutely GORGEOUS in Florida.

No more apartments for me.

House hunting is pretty fun. Oh wait, I'm not even there. I have to rely on text messages, pictures and videos I get while sitting in class. This is the definition of feeling helpless.

Jaw dropping thriller.

I always love when I get to reflect on my mission. I know, that sounds silly...I should be doing it all the time. And people may get annoyed at someone who "always talks about their mission," but I will be the first to tell you that you shouldn't slam it until you've been through it. So, if you want to hear a cool mission story, keep reading. If not, well...too bad! Anyway, I'm extremely guilty of not giving myself enough time to really study and reflect. But thankfully, what I'm busy with also gives me some time to sit down and think about why I'm busy in the first place.

Today at rehearsal, we talked about why we perform. Why do I want to get on a stage with costumes that look like a kid threw up neon crayons on a piece of paper and pull facial expressions my face has never formed to yet? For the thrill. It's as simple as that. This thrill of performing is amazing. It rushes through me, and gives me confidence in a matter of seconds. It's something I can't describe. However, the "thrill" has changed the past couple of years that I was on leave. 

When I was in my last area, 5x5ing a potential investigator, (that sounds painful--but believe me it's not) Sister Steel and I came up on a woman sweeping her driveway. We could tell that she was stalling so we could come and talk to her, maybe because she was lonely. Her name was Shawntia; a single mother of three. Of course, we seized the moment. She quickly invited us up to her porch, and asked us what we had to say. We dove right in, and began to tell her the story of the Restoration, and how Christ's church was not lost, but back here on the earth. After awhile, she said to us, "you mean to say, that the same exact church that Christ founded back when He was here, is here again?! Are you serious??!!" You would think someone just told her she one a million bucks. You all know that point where you're so excited to tell someone something that you're to the point of laughing? Yep, that was us. As we continued to tell her more and more about how the Church came back to the earth, her jaw continued to slowly drop. I realized, that this is the "thrill" I was looking for my whole life.

Oh wait, it doesn't stop there. After we had finished teaching our lesson and set another appointment (of course, by leaving a cliff hanger so she'd let us come back for more) Shawntia asked us if we knew two guys who had the same name-tags on as us. We said yes, there were two other young men that were in the same city, but not in the same area. She was really confused, because just ten minutes prior to us walking up, she told us she saw these boys across the street wearing what we had, and felt something in her heart. She told us there was no way she was going to go talk to them, because she was so scared. But when she saw us walking up, with the same tags, she had to stall just for a minute. Let me translate that: she felt the spirit from 30 feet away after only a minute. You guys--it's really powerful. 

Now, I don't know what happened to her after I left New York. So why did I gain a bunch of weight, get yelled at and told I was stupid for 18 months straight? For the thrill. It's as simple as as that. This thrill of teaching the gospel is amazing. It rushes through me, and gives me confidence in a matter of seconds. It's something I can't describe.

Where does your "thrill" come from?

All I have to say about this is...little did we know. HOW GREAT IT IS.

The luckiest.

Man, he makes me weak in the knees. Honestly guys, that's a real thing...didn't even know that until I started dating my man! My legs give out mostly when he talks about what he's going to do with our kids, and then when he talks to other guys about cars. I know, the second one is kinda weird--maybe not--but he just knows everything about them. Mmm.

Speaking of engines, I have to brag. I just heard this last week. When he was just a kid, he got an old riding lawn mower that didn't work, researched every detail, took it apart, put it back together and got it working all by himself! He keeps telling me he's some normal guy, but I don't buy it.

I'm just so proud of how hard working and super dang smart he is. I always tell him I feel like I'm 10 years younger than him just because somehow he always knows what to do and is way more mature than I am. What a catch.

It's so funny how it took him a few tries to get into that little car!

My own little (big) mechanic/financial extraordinaire/real man.

95 days!!!!!!

Love is a battlefield.

...quite literally.

Every night before we go to bed, Kasey and I talk on FaceTime for at least an hour...closer to two. What do we have to talk about you ask? That question never ceases to amaze me. You'd think after ten months of talking every day for that long you would run out of things to say, but it happens on a rare occasion. You'd think we haven't seen each other in a year. Like, only when both of us are falling asleep and are too lazy to say goodnight is when we are both pretty quiet. (That's when I knew I found "the one.") Yes, we have fallen asleep before while still on the phone!

Anyway, right before we end our FaceTime dates, we always have our "I love you more than," battles. Winning constitutes as topping the other and hanging up before anything else is said. We get really creative, even down to making our own rule book. Because apparently I cheated tonight...?

I guess I can handle this kind of getting beat. 

So little time.

As of yesterday, we only have four months left! That seems like an eternity in engagement months. 

In between classes, rehearsal and shows, we spent lot of time together this time around. What's interesting is when we are together, I don't feel like we live so far away! It's like he never left. Although, if he did live here, I might be less of a monkey on him. 

Eh, maybe not. He's really handsome.

We had a packed week (partially my fault) because of all the planning we had to do. He is so sweet and most of the time, says I can just do what I want...about the house decorating. But when it comes to the insurance, bank stuff, and of course the garage, he's already gotten that taken care of. There's a lot of things you have to think about, 

it's not just wedding planning that takes forever! That's the easy part.

118 days until we'll be in here together!

Which is crazy to think about our first date 10 months ago...

We also went up to my cabin again, and shockingly there was two

feet of snow! Snowshoeing was pretty fun to get to the front door. No way my Buick would make that.

And of course had fun on the way there...

"Love does not appear with any warning signs. You fall into it as if pushed from a high diving board. No time to think about what's happening. It's inevitable. An event you can't control. A crazy, heart-stopping, roller-coaster ride that just has to take its course.” -Jackie Collins

And then...he leaves me love notes to find after his flight leaves. He loves to make me cry.

...is for the way you look at me.

Sometimes I can't even make anything come out of my mouth because of the ridiculous English language that doesn't have words even close to being strong enough to describe how much I am in love.

Many people skeptically ask me, "How can you be engaged to someone that you don't even live in the same state?" Well, my friends, love knows no boundaries. No, it's not because I couldn't find anyone here at BYU. (Yes, I've been asked that! Haha...) Of course we entertained all options of me moving there, or him moving here. But I'm in this thing that takes over my life called Young Ambassadors, and with his new job...until June 19th, it just would not be practical. Plus, long distance really does have it's pros! When we see each other, we are able to put everything else aside and focus on each other. I'm never stressed as to how to balance my time with him. Bottom line: it works perfectly for us. It's not like we planned it this way, but from our very first conversation on the phone, we realized we had to make it work from so far away.

I know, I know...I'll have some cheesy posts. Despite what I thought about myself before I met Kasey, I just want to shout it to the world. (And, I know I loved reading posts like these in my earlier college years to keep hope on flowing!) I do realize, that I'm still four months away from being married. What could I know about love? Well, I really don't know too much yet. All I know is that this is love, and I just care about making him happy.

Two more days.

A Divine Calling.

I came across this quote yesterday that puts perfectly into words what I want to shout to the world.

“Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for." -Rachel Jankovic

Elder Neil L. Anderson of the Quorum of the Twelve quoted this in his talk entitled, Children, from the October 2011 LDS General Conference. I find it so intriguing that people can think their workplace, the gym, or Whole Foods is so necessary that children can be a second thought. It's interesting how one thinks they are entitled to a certain "dream life," but who is to say that children aren't? They are as much, if not more entitled to the ultimate "dream life" of both a mother and a father. I am just so incredibly excited to be a mom, and I've had about ten friends give birth in the past two weeks, thus all of the blog posts about it. But don't worry, I'm loving this stage of my life. Sometimes, I do tend to look forward to the next big thing, but Kasey has taught me a lot about enjoying every second I'm alive. I'll never be in this stage of engagement again, and we'll only be newlyweds for a bit compared to eternity...so life is great. I'll be a mom soon enough.

But, remember the quote. It's our job as Latter-day Saints not to shout this message in our neighbor's ear, but to teach by example. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Don't tell them what we do, show them what we do.

10 Day Tour: Young Ambassadors

There aren't too many things more fun (and exhausting) than being on a bus for ten days with lots of extroverts. If you didn't catch it from Facebook/Instagram, I've been out of school the past week and on a long road trip touring with the YA's! 

This is how we looked 90% of the time...

And the other 10%...

We had so much fun. It was one of those weeks where I wanted time to stand still and 

just be "in college" for awhile. It went way too fast! So starting off...this is me and MegSack about 3 hours

into our journey. That's why we are so happy...

Our first night, we stayed with the guy who draws the Pickles comics, 

Brian Crane and his lovely wife. I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Another MegSack photo, making any other face but smiling! Our cheek muscles hurt.

Our first stop on the day tour to San Francisco, the City Hall! 

Just me and a big head. That's all.

Chinatown....yeah.

I practically went to China without going to China!

Whitney and I on the Pier looking out over Alcatraz.

...and Tanner bought us a bread alligator at the world-famous Boudin's! 

We try to be as mature as possible when we are taking pictures.

After a great FHE and fireside with the Singles Ward, the next day we woke up

and went to the Redwood Forest! 

With a performance every night except Sunday, it was great to come to our Host family

and be completely welcomed in! Those little kids in Santa Rosa are adorable.

And for more mirror reflection pictures, of course we watch The Bachelor when we

get ready for our shows! This was in San Jose:

And this was the stage in San Jose...SO FUN!

I guess you could call it a success when you make the front page of

a Napa Valley Newspaper.

And for our last show...a great dressing room shot. This was our favorite dressing room 

only because we had enough outlets for our curling irons.

Within these ten days, I hadn't heard of so many miracles since my mission. For real. We helped with some re-activating, with decision making about baptism, and lots (and lots) of introduction to the LDS church. We brought the Spirit in ways that I couldn't do on my own--even when I was a missionary. I heard the exact same things when I was wearing a nametag, which convinced me even more that what I'm doing right now is an extension of my mission. But this time, I get to SING! 

Music brings something to some people that is not explainable. And one of those people is me. It gives me strength to go on, but more importantly, enough confidence to know that I'm a daughter of God. I know for a fact I gave that confidence to one little girl that I met in Oakland, and that was enough for me.

It's amazing the money, the time, sweat (and tears) Heavenly Father will allow one person to go through to help another come back to Him.